Growing Apart

Growing Apart

When is it time to walk away from a friendship? How many lies are too many? How many arguments are too much? Those are difficult questions to answer. They differ from friend to friend.

For some, you’ll go to the ends of the earth. For others, you won’t even get out of bed. Often, what ends up happening is the person you’d go to the ends of the earth for, wouldn’t get out of bed for you. And that’s a difficult pill to swallow. But that’s life, isn’t it?

Recently, I stopped talking to one of my friends, let’s call her Sera. Sera and I had known each other since freshman year in high school, though it felt like we’d known each other our whole lives. We knew everything about each other. We shared everything with each other. She was one of my best friends. For a long time, she was my only best friend.

But, of late, I’d started noticing that our friendship was becoming more of a chore than a habit. I’d always be making effort to try and hang out with her and she wouldn’t be. She wouldn’t even send a single text message. If I never texted her, we never talked.

At first, I let her know how I felt. I let her know that this wasn’t okay and I’d appreciate if she put in some effort with me. Or, if she wanted to call this quits, then we could do that as well. I just wanted to know where I stood with her. She ended up apologizing. She said that, starting now, she’d put in more effort. She said we’d go back to how we were before; back in high school.

She lied. We went another year and nothing changed. I’d invite her out and she’d make up one excuse or another to get out of it. But then I’d see her on snapchat out with her friends from University…and that would hurt.

So, I ended up telling her like it is. I didn’t want to be friends with her anymore. I couldn’t keep giving 95% to someone who refused to even give me 5%. It was a difficult conversation to have, but one I’m glad I made time for. Of course, I still miss her. I have so many memories with her that it’s hard not to. I miss singing Magic with her while we were in Europe, I miss having deep conversations with her at Starbucks, I miss crashing fashion shows with her in downtown Toronto, among other things. But she’s moved on and I’ve moved on; just grown apart, I suppose.

It’s like that quote from Perks of Being a Wallflower, “Things change and friends leave. And life doesn’t stop for anybody”.

Showcase Commotion

Showcase Commotion

Jealousy is an awful thing. It turns you into someone you’re not and it’s so difficult to overcome. For a long time, I thought I was above that. I couldn’t really see myself feeling jealous of anyone. I just thought I was better than that, too mentally tough for that.

That all changed when my first girlfriend, Claire, made this guy friend in college, who we’ll call Gunther. Now, it’s not like Claire didn’t have any other guy friends. She did, and I knew them, but something about Gunther threw me off. They got really close really fast. I mean, it went from him not even being a part of her life, to me constantly hearing about all the things they did together in class. About all the jokes they shared and the good times they had.

We got into a lot of fights and arguments because of Gunther. I would get frustrated. I would tell her that I didn’t like his intentions. I would try to get her to stop being friends with him. It was sort of like when Rachel got offered that job by Mark and Ross didn’t trust Mark? Friends fans, anyone?

Anyway, it all came crashing down on December of 2015. Claire had this arts showcase that obviously I was invited to. I ended up coming an hour late. I slept in. There’s no excuse. I wish I could say one of my classes ran late. I wish I could say I was busy saving a cat from a tree. But no, I just slept in like an idiot. By the time I got there, Claire was angry, deservedly so. But guess who else was there and on time? Gunther. Gunther hadn’t been invited but he’d shown up anyway to support her because that’s just the kind of stand-up guy Gunther was.

Initially, I ignored him. I pretended like he wasn’t even there. I just walked up to Claire and apologized. Now, in the middle of my heartfelt soliloquy, Gunther waltzes right in and tries to get me to leave. He says that I’m stressing Claire out, that I need to give her space, and I’m looking at this guy like ‘Whose mans is this?’. And I finally snapped. I punched him across the face. Now, I rarely ever throw punches but I knew when I’d punched him that I hadn’t hit him hard. But Gunther practically fell backwards as if a car had slammed into him; he flopped. That’s when everyone got involved. People got in between us, there was a whole commotion at the showcase, and Claire ended up dragging me out of there.

Surprisingly enough, Claire and I didn’t break up that day, but we should have. Something fell apart that day between us that we were never truly able to get back. But we were stubborn, like all kids in love are.

Occasionally, like today, I’ll think back to that night. I’ll think about all the things I could’ve done differently. Maybe not get as jealous as I did? Maybe set four alarms instead of just the one? Maybe bring Claire flowers or chocolate instead of just showing up late and empty handed? Maybe not punch Gunther? Or maybe that was fine. Yeah, you know what, that was fine.

Comfort Zone

Comfort Zone

Comfort is strange. Too often when I’ve asked friends or family how they feel about their jobs or relationships or their life, they answer with a shrug and an “I’m comfortable”. Now, being comfortable doesn’t mean you’re happy, it means you’re at ease. You’re at ease because there’s a familiar routine to what you’re doing, day in and day out.

So much of our lives are spent in comfort. We isolate ourselves to these comfort zones where everything is familiar and nothing is a challenge. And then we wake up one morning, old and frail, and we wish we could take it back. We have so many regrets over all the things we didn’t do; over all the things we wanted to do but chose not to because they interfered with our comfort zone. That’s not living life, that’s dealing with life.

That pretty girl you see across the bar? She will say yes if you ask her for her number. That job position you don’t think you have enough experience for? They want someone exactly like you. That talent show you’re too nervous to perform in? You’re going to get a standing ovation after your performance. You are smart, you are capable, and you are worth every opportunity in the world. You have to believe that. You have to take a chance on yourself. And if you fail? Then you try again.

Don’t fall victim to the comfort zone. If you don’t like your job, leave it. If you don’t like your relationships, end them. If you’re not happy with your life, change it. Life is too short to spend it doing only what’s comfortable.

Saying No To Long Distance

Saying No To Long Distance

So, my girlfriend, Maya, just left for British Columbia. She didn’t go on vacation, she didn’t go for a semester abroad, she went to live there…indefinitely. And that really sucks. We decided long distance wouldn’t work out. We decided that we both couldn’t handle it. I’m still wrestling with that decision. Did we make the right choice? Should we have fought harder? Does it really even matter?

I don’t know anyone who’s ever made long distance work. I talked to a lot of people about it too. One of my coworkers told me that she’d tried it and her boyfriend ended up cheating on her. I talked to two other friends who got cheated on by their significant others, and one who actually did the cheating. I know one person who made it last for two years and then broke it off because it was too taxing. And I get that. I get why it would be taxing.

Maya and I, we talked about everything. That first night she told me about the move, we made a pros and cons list, because that’s what mature couples do. Needless to say, the cons list was a whole lot longer. It was smart to end it. I mean I’d only known her for 7 months. We’d only been official for a month and a half. It was barely even a thing, right? Better to end it now than to get further attached and heartbroken later on, right? Right?

Anyway, she’s gone now. I dropped her off at the airport…and it hurt. It hurt to watch her leave. It hurt knowing that I might never see her again. It physically hurt. It was sort of like when your friend changes their Netflix password without telling you and they’re not replying to their texts so you can’t binge watch Rom-Coms anymore. Thanks a lot, Nikhil.

Blog Virgin

Blog Virgin

Is there such a thing as a blog virgin? Is there such a thing as losing your blogging virginity? It’s definitely feeling real. I mean, I’m super stressed, a little sweaty, and I feel like I won’t last too long here. Fuck.

You know what, let me start over.

What do you do when you have no idea about what you’re going to do in life? When life gets a kick out of throwing curve balls at you? When you don’t know what you’re good at? If anything? The answer is…you make a blog. And why no, I have never tested well.

But here’s my thinking, my life is too messy for people to not know about it. So, I’m going to share my stories, opinions, and feelings with you. Hopefully we can laugh-and occasionally-cry together. Crying alone just isn’t as fun as it used to be. Hopefully, my problems will be your problems as well, and together, we can make them our problems.

So, relate away, and hell, welcome to my doorstep.