Inferiority Complex

Inferiority Complex

You know what’s really interesting? Living with an inferiority complex. And I say interesting, because in this day and age, we’re so accustomed to snapchatting and instagramming and tweeting every aspect of our lives. I mean, realistically, we all probably know 10 different people that we know everything about, even though we haven’t talked to them since the first day of high school. It’s become a norm, you know? It’s expected of you to have your whole life up on social media. It’s expected of you to be posting an abundance of selfies showcasing just how on point your jawline is…and whatnot.

I say interesting also because I didn’t use to have an inferiority complex. Back in high school, I was incredibly self-absorbed. It was fucking awesome. I loved everything about myself. But then I went to university, and everything changed. Not my looks; I look the exact same but my perception of myself changed. University is also when I started sleeping around with girls, and I think, to some extent, that may have affected me, but I don’t see how or why. In high school, I didn’t really go out with anyone. In university, I go out with a different girl every weekend. You’d think that would boost my self-confidence. It doesn’t. It just makes me feel…empty.

And it’s gotten to the point where I don’t even like taking selfies of myself anymore. I don’t like taking selfies with friends either because I don’t feel good looking enough for them. I have 1 picture of myself on my Instagram and that took me incredibly long to post, and I didn’t even want to post it, but I did it so I’d have at least 1.

I kind of took all this in recently when I went out this past weekend with my friend to take pictures for his photography blog. I filled in as the “model” and that’s when I realized how bad it really was. Standing in front of the camera felt awkward. I’ve never felt more present in my life. I could hear every time he clicked the camera, and I could hear every conversation happening around us, and I felt uncomfortable and as if I wasn’t good enough to have my friend taking pictures of me. And I just wanted to not be there. I wanted to go hide somewhere.

And it’s not just looks either. It’s everything. I don’t feel I’m smart enough for my parents. I don’t feel I’m talented enough to do anything worthwhile with my life. I don’t feel my personality is good enough to make the girl I’m head over heels for like me back. There’s self doubt everywhere; in every aspect of my life. It’s bad. It’s…overwhelming.

Falling For Your Friends

Falling For Your Friends

Can a guy and girl be just friends with each other? Yes, absolutely. Not every guy and girl can but many guys and girls can. Now, is it wise to fall for your friends? No, absolutely not. It’s messy and it’s complicated. It’s not like in the movies or in TV shows. Not all friendships can become relationships as easily as Chandler and Monica’s did. More often, it’s gonna end up being like Joey and Rachel.

Now, I’ve always been against blurring the line between a friendship and a relationship. That means don’t make out with your friend, don’t sleep with your friend, and don’t date your friend. But sometimes we can’t help it. Sometimes things happen and life gets difficult. For example, I think I’ve fallen in love with my best friend. And that sounds just as bad as it is.

Amid all the inside jokes and the constant teasing, I caught feelings. I say love really loosely though because, realistically, who the fuck knows what that is? I thought I was in love with my first girlfriend. I wasn’t. With my friend, though, it’s different. It’s a different sort of feeling. And it sucks because it happened so unexpectedly.

It feels like one second she was telling me about all her problems with her boyfriend and the next I was wishing that I was her boyfriend. Obviously though, I wasn’t gonna tell her anything cause of my strict moral code–I’m not a home wrecker. So I didn’t. I put up a front and I listened every time she wanted to complain about her boyfriend, and you know what, I always supported her boyfriend, which probably sounds incredibly sad, and it is, but I knew how happy he made her so I wasn’t going to let her break up with him over just any small issue. And my feelings were irrelevant there. I would be over her in a few weeks…no big deal.

Flash forward a year and I can’t stop thinking about her. She’s the first person I think about when I wake up and the last person I think about before I go to sleep, cliché but it’s true. Whenever something even remotely exciting happens to me, she’s the first person I wanna tell or I immediately wish that she was there to see it happen with me. Everything she’s insecure about, I can’t help but fawn over. So yeah, I’m pretty fucked here.

Last month I finally worked up the courage to tell her how I felt. We ended up going on two dates and then she ended it. She texted me some long winded explanation about why she couldn’t continue with this, but I didn’t really understand it. I couldn’t. All I could think about was how pretty her eyes were the last time I saw her. I repeat; I’m fucked.

Obviously though I can’t force her to keep trying with me. So, now I have to try and move on. But that’s hard because I talk to her everyday and I see her so much. And I can’t just stop talking to her or seeing her because she’s my best friend and I don’t wanna lose her. But how else am I supposed to move on? I mean, it’s been a year and I’m absolutely crazy about her.

I’ve tried different things too. The first 10 months before I told her how I felt, I tried sleeping around. I thought I could get rid of my feelings that way. It didn’t work. It just made me feel really empty so I put a stop to it. Then I tried dating someone else. That ended up blowing up in my face. So, I’m just in limbo now. And I don’t know what to do.