You know what’s really interesting? Living with an inferiority complex. And I say interesting, because in this day and age, we’re so accustomed to snapchatting and instagramming and tweeting every aspect of our lives. I mean, realistically, we all probably know 10 different people that we know everything about, even though we haven’t talked to them since the first day of high school. It’s become a norm, you know? It’s expected of you to have your whole life up on social media. It’s expected of you to be posting an abundance of selfies showcasing just how on point your jawline is…and whatnot.
I say interesting also because I didn’t use to have an inferiority complex. Back in high school, I was incredibly self-absorbed. It was fucking awesome. I loved everything about myself. But then I went to university, and everything changed. Not my looks; I look the exact same but my perception of myself changed. University is also when I started sleeping around with girls, and I think, to some extent, that may have affected me, but I don’t see how or why. In high school, I didn’t really go out with anyone. In university, I go out with a different girl every weekend. You’d think that would boost my self-confidence. It doesn’t. It just makes me feel…empty.
And it’s gotten to the point where I don’t even like taking selfies of myself anymore. I don’t like taking selfies with friends either because I don’t feel good looking enough for them. I have 1 picture of myself on my Instagram and that took me incredibly long to post, and I didn’t even want to post it, but I did it so I’d have at least 1.
I kind of took all this in recently when I went out this past weekend with my friend to take pictures for his photography blog. I filled in as the “model” and that’s when I realized how bad it really was. Standing in front of the camera felt awkward. I’ve never felt more present in my life. I could hear every time he clicked the camera, and I could hear every conversation happening around us, and I felt uncomfortable and as if I wasn’t good enough to have my friend taking pictures of me. And I just wanted to not be there. I wanted to go hide somewhere.
And it’s not just looks either. It’s everything. I don’t feel I’m smart enough for my parents. I don’t feel I’m talented enough to do anything worthwhile with my life. I don’t feel my personality is good enough to make the girl I’m head over heels for like me back. There’s self doubt everywhere; in every aspect of my life. It’s bad. It’s…overwhelming.