My plan for this summer was very simple. I was going to work. That was it. I wasn’t going to go out every weekend. I wasn’t going to travel anywhere. I was just going to work. Day in, day out, for 4 months.
I don’t exactly know why I decided to do that. I wasn’t saving up for anything. I wasn’t trying to buy a new car or a new phone or something. I suppose I just wanted to make money.
Now, I’m 3 months into my brilliant plan and I’m slowly but surely going crazy. I love the city of Toronto, but recently, it’s felt like hell to me. I feel like a caged animal. Every thing seems to be bothering me, no matter how little. Every Subway delay gets me frustrated. Every time it rains, I get pissed off. Every time a customer asks me if a regularly priced item is on sale, I want to erupt.
It’s awful. My life has deteriorated into this mundane pattern where I go to work, go back home, and then repeat it all the next day. I want to escape it. I want to fly away somewhere. I want to explore a new city and go on adventures. I don’t want to have to worry about whether a customer is taking in 7 or 8 items into the fitting room. I can’t deal with that anymore.
I started looking at airplane tickets yesterday, but with only a month left until school starts up again, I don’t really have a whole lot of time to properly plan something out. But I’m determined now. I need to get out of Toronto, if only for a brief moment.
I’m going into my fourth year of University in about two months. I am not ready. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I don’t even really like my program anymore. I’m just limping along trying to get to the finish line.
There’s a lot of uncertainty. There’s a lot of lingering questions. Will I be able to get a job after? Do I even want to get a job for the field I’m in?
Why did Robb Stark have to die the way he did? There’s just so much to think about.
I’m studying Biological Science, and initially, my goal had been to become a pediatrician. I was very focused on it. I was very determined. Then first year hit me like a bus. Second and third years proved to be much better, but as I went on, I began to realize that I had no passion for science. I didn’t enjoy studying science. In the middle of third year, I freaked out and legitimately thought about dropping out and changing programs, but I didn’t even know what I wanted to change into which made changing programs a little difficult.
So, I decided that I’d stick it out and get my degree, and afterwards, I could decide what I wanted to do with my life. But afterwards is creeping up real fast here and I still have no idea about where I’m headed. I’m assuming that it’s going to hit me soon. I’m assuming that the universe is going to send me a sign any day now and my life will get right back on track. That’s reasonable, right?
Everyone says do what you love, but what if you don’t know what you love? What do you do then?