Have you ever been in a state of complete and utter confusion? Have you ever been unable to think properly? Have you ever been afraid to speak because you think you’ll say the wrong thing? And have you known it was all because of one person?
It’s hard to explain.
Have you ever felt so vulnerable that it scares you? Have you ever started doing things that you wouldn’t have done in your wildest imagination? Have you ever found yourself putting someone else’s happiness above your own? Someone who wasn’t family?
It’s humbling and painful.
Have you ever wanted to know every detail about someone else’s day? Have you ever wanted to wake up next to someone so bad? Have you ever just wanted to lie with someone and listen?
That’s not normal.
Have you ever looked yourself in the mirror at those moments? Have you ever missed the person you used to be? Have you ever missed not feeling anything for anyone?
You haven’t, have you? You don’t miss that, do you?
Or maybe you do. Who knows?
Everyone has that one person. That one person whom you always wonder about. You wonder if it would’ve worked out with them. You wonder if you should’ve tried harder with them. You wonder if you shouldn’t have let them walk away. Or in my case, you wonder if you shouldn’t have been such an asshole to them.
That person for me was Meera. I met Meera during the first year of University. I met her on the local transit bus on my way home. She was two years older than me, 5’7″ if I remember correctly, studying law, and had a smile that could kill. That whole bus ride I kept wondering how I could approach her. What could I say that would make her interested in me? I ended up taking too long. She got up to get off a couple stops before mine. And I couldn’t lose her so I instantly got up with her and exited the bus as well. And at that point I just introduced myself and somehow managed to get her name and number. All it cost me was an extra 20 minute walk home.
Meera and I were inseparable for the next couple of days. We were always texting and always trying to find ways to hang out on and off campus. But I wasn’t trying to be just friends. It took me a little while but I eventually asked her on a date. We went out and it was great. It went really great. We ate, we danced, we kissed. I loved every single minute of that date. And even today, I can’t name a single thing that went wrong with that date.
But I never texted her again. She texted me. She texted me a lot. I just never replied. I would look at her messages and I would ignore them completely. And I don’t know why I did that. I don’t know what I was thinking. All I knew was that it was a big campus and I doubted I would ever see her again. I switched my bus route and that was that. I was never going to see her again.
But I did. I saw her again a couple weeks later while I was hooking up with one of her friends. And that is just as awful as it sounds. The look she gave me spoke volumes. Her tears spoke even more. I hated myself for weeks after that incident. I still hate myself for that. I was immature, stuck up, rude, heartless, and just a straight up asshole.
I never saw her again after that. I never apologized either, which I should have. I wasn’t mature enough for her. She deserved better. And I hope that wherever her law career took her, that she’s successful and happy.