Help

Help

I think I’ve found that asking for help is one of the hardest things to do. And I don’t mean asking for help on a school paper, or asking for help on how to fill up gas in your car. The kind of help I’m talking about is when you feel alone and terrified. I’m talking about when life comes crashing down on you and you realize that you’re all you have.

Sometimes, it can all boil down to a matter of ego. Your ego is what keeps you from reaching out to people. You think asking for help is a sign of weakness. It becomes hard for you to swallow your pride and admit that you don’t know where you’re going anymore or that you don’t know what to do anymore.

Other times, and this is the worst I think, you don’t ask for help because you asked before and you got hurt. You opened yourself up to someone, someone who told you they’d always be there. You showed them the absolute worst parts of you, they took one look inside, and they were out the door. It’s hard to mentally recover from something like that. It’s hard to move past something like that.

I’ve been on both sides. I’ve been there where my ego kept me from asking for help, and I’ve also been there where I trusted some people I shouldn’t have. All you can do after is move on. You can hold your head up high, admit your mistakes, and just move on.

Because at the end of the day, one fact remains the same, and that fact is that you can’t go through hardships all by yourself. You can try. You can absolutely try but it’s close to pointless. Everyone needs a little help sometimes. There’s no shame in asking for it.

Death In The Family

Death In The Family

We all deal with grief in our own ways. The loss of a loved one is incomparable to anything. Some of us lock ourselves away from the world. Some of us seek out a hedonistic lifestyle to make up for what we perceive to be an unjust hand dealt to us by the universe. Some of us find comfort in the loved ones that remain to us. It’s different for everyone, but one fact remains the same, and that fact is that it hurts.

Last week, I lost someone close to me. It was someone who I’d been meaning to call. I kept putting it off for one reason or another, the latest reason being my MCAT. They passed away before I ever had my chance. And needless to say, I didn’t take it well.

The first four days after their passing, I shut myself off completely. I stopped using my phone. I locked myself away from the world. I didn’t cry. I thought I would cry but I didn’t. I just wanted to be alone. It took a friend to bring me back, but as the days have gone by, I haven’t felt like myself.

I don’t know how to explain it. I just know something’s wrong. A part of me feels like it’s missing. I’ve been trying not to think about them. I’ve been trying to drown myself in my studies, work, and in my friends. I’ve been keeping busy so I don’t have to remember them, because if I remember them, I’ll break. And I don’t want to break.

Too much has happened these past three months. It’s hard staying strong. It’s hard having to pretend that everything is okay. It’s not okay. And I don’t know if it’ll be okay ever again.