Unrequited Love

Unrequited Love

Everyone has their own definitions of love. There’s familial love, friendly love, and romantic love. Each has it’s own different flavor. And everyone has their own ways of perceiving it and expressing it. A kiss on the forehead might be someone’s biggest expression of  love while for another individual, something more intimate would be required.

Out of all, romantic love is what’s most sung about and written about. Humans crave romance. They crave the physical intimacy of another person who connects with them in a way that no one else does. And that can be difficult to find.

I thought I was in love with my first girlfriend. Looking back on that relationship, I realize that I wasn’t. I wanted to be though. I had this notion in my mind where I wanted my first girlfriend to end up being the woman that I marry. It sounds ridiculous but growing up on Disney movies will do that to you.

After my first relationship crashed and burned, I went on a tear of sleeping around with girls who didn’t mean anything. It was a way to escape it all. I didn’t want any sort of feelings. I didn’t want to be tied down and let down again.

Everything changed when I fell in love with my best friend. Everything that I’d been wanting to escape caught up with me in the blink of an eye. And it’s been all consuming. It gets scary and overwhelming at times because you can feel yourself changing. You start to show someone parts of you that you’d never dreamt of showing anyone. It’s not that you lose yourself to it, it’s simply that you start to put someone else’s happiness above your own, and no one likes doing that, right?

For the record, I’m not dating my best friend. She doesn’t feel the same. And that’s okay. Her lack of feelings haven’t deterred my own. Because when you fall for someone, there aren’t any strings attached. You don’t fall for someone with the criteria that they’ll fall for you back. More often than not, that won’t happen. And that can be painful but it’s a harsh reality.

There are days where I have tried so hard to get over it. There are days where I have hated myself for it. I have felt pathetic over my feelings on more occasions than one. But as Barney Stinson so eloquently stated, “I couldn’t stop loving her anymore than I could stop breathing”. The feeling will always remain. And when in the future she ends up with someone better, that’s alright because I want her to be happy, even if it’s not with me.

1-800-273-8255

1-800-273-8255

I spoke to a friend recently about his life. It was an easy going conversation centered mostly around relationships. My friend, who we’ll call Carter, had his first real relationship in high school. It lasted 2 years, and it ended bad, as often relationships do. It ended because his girlfriend cheated on him. Carter didn’t take that well. He loved her and it hurt him to the point where he tried to take his life. He woke up in a hospital and has since then, thankfully, turned his life around.

It was unreal for me to hear that. It was unreal because I’ve never know anyone who has actually ever attempted suicide. I’ve read articles about it, heard songs about it, I’ve even had a friend of a friend of a friend who knew someone who’d tried to commit suicide. But this was the first time I’d known someone so close to me who’d attempted it. And that shook me a little.

It made me remember being in the hospital and fighting for my own life. It made me bitter to think that Carter had just tried to take his own life away by choice when I hadn’t even had one.

Life is painful and it’s hard. And there are days where it’s so difficult to keep going. But suicide is not the answer. A permanent solution to a temporary problem is never the answer. Confide in your family and friends. Talk about what’s bothering you. People are willing to listen. Someone is willing to help.

Never forget that you are important. You are valuable. You matter. Don’t you dare let anyone make you feel like less of a person.